I am hoping to tell this latest chapter of my story with great honesty. I am writing it mostly for myself, because I am praying that I can look back on it (prayerfully sooner than later) & see how far I have come in accepting & embracing where the Lord is taking me & my little family. So, I ask if you are following along, please don't judge me. I may be handling this in a way you may not. That is what makes us all different. So just bare with me.
D & I left super early on Thursday morning & set out on the road to Memphis. I have never been to Memphis before, so this part of the country I have not traveled. I was a bit shocked at how barren Hwy 78 (soon to be the new 22 corridor) is. And how little cell phone service there was (Not very comforting). We had a good time chatting & listening to the radio, that is until we passed over into Memphis & I was stunned at the sight of the place. Now, I have lived in Los Angeles & not the best parts of LA. So, I have seen my far share of unsavory areas & this topped the list of unsavory. We stopped at the first gas station & while browsing the Memphis memorabilia, a man walked by warning us about Memphis & that we would not want anything to remind us of this place. I told him we are moving there & he's not helping calm my nerves!
We got back on the road & headed for the suburbs. That was a nice change. We will not be downtown & in the "bad" part. So that is better. We went to D's new place of employment & met his boss. Who then took us around the building & then to the warehouse that holds what will be D's domain. He is the now the buyer/inventory manager for a multimedia company.
We went to lunch with some of D's new coworkers & as I sat there the tears started bubbling behind my eyeballs. I was just feeling so completely unsettled. I made sure no one, including D knew of my discomfort, then we drove around town for a bit with his new boss. We came back to the office, I sat in the car, while D & his new boss discussed some things. Once they were done we hit the road....And the complete meltdown began. I didn't just shed a few tears...Oh no. I was sobbing/wailing/couldn't breath. I was inconsolable.....FOR THE ENTIRE 4 1/2 HOUR TRIP!!!! Let me just say I have been blessed with one incredible husband. Not many could have withstood that. He just kept saying he wanted me to feel all of this & to not deny my emotions. He kept saying, "I'm not going to invalidate how you feel." What a gift he is! I couldn't deny them at that moment if I tried, I could not stop bawling for the life of me. Through my sobbing, I told him all of my fears & anxieties.
The sunset was spectacular & D took an exit & we drove down the road so I could get a good shot. I know he was trying to help take my mind off of it all. I love that man.
(click to see bigger version, to enjoy it better)
Isn't it breathtaking? It totally reminded me of my Granny (which didn't help the tears). She loved when the clouds were pink & ever since she passed, when I see pink clouds I feel it's her way of talking to me. She use to always say that the Lord painted us a new beautiful picture everyday. And He knew how to work a paint brush. I'll say he worked wonders this day.
Once we got home, we went over to Mom's to get Molly, since she spent the day with her. I was calm over there, but once I got back to my house I fell apart all over again in the floor....literally. I am so heartbroken....I guess that is the only way I can describe it. Utterly heartbroken. I was inconsolable again....More than on the roadtrip. D went to Mom's to get me a xanax (which I have never taken). I took one & it calmed me down, plus we watched some TV, but once I tried to go to bed...It started again! This was after 2 xanax!
I don't want to feel this way...I. Do. Not. Want to feel this way. I want to be thrilled about this move & all the possibilities. I want to be excited about this adventure. But I am not. I'm just being honest. I am not happy that D will be living in Memphis during the week & coming home on the weekends. I am grateful he got a job so quickly, when so many are without jobs, but I just wish it were here. I am grateful the job is in field he loves. I have so much to be thankful for. But I am just not liking my life being turned upside-down. And that is how it feels.
I have moved away before, but that was different. I was a fearless 20 something, who was going to LA to do the work of the Lord & it was only going to be for a short time. Little did I know I would be married 5 months later. I am not that girl anymore. I have my nest built & I am not taking to it being destroyed very well. I knew this all was going to be difficult, I just never thought I would react this way to it all.
There is just so much unknown & my fears are overwhelming. It's hard for me to not think about it, because everything reminds me of not living here anymore. Like today I took D to his part time job for the last time & as I came home I noticed my climbing rose bush. And teared up at the thought of not seeing it bloom in the Spring/Summer. And my Granny's gardenias that I have rooted in my yard. I can't take those with me. Then tonight I walked over to Mom's & thought, "I wonder how many more times I will make this walk next door? Or the tin roof Danny finally finished putting on our back porch & the gate he made for our front porch. Oh goodness gracious...This list could go on forever & the tears will never stop.
P.S. Thank you all for your encouraging words, whether you left them here in the comments, via facebook, sent e-mails or called.
P.S. Thank you all for your encouraging words, whether you left them here in the comments, via facebook, sent e-mails or called.
I know the whole God has a plan thing is so true but cliche. So, I will say I am praying God's best for you and for strength to handle whatever come your way. I know how you feel, it was how I felt after finally being able to teach and then losing it. It was like everything I loved was ripped away because those kids were my world.
ReplyDeleteWhen we headed to Memphis for the first time to look for a house, we stopped at a restaurant on the side of a mountain---it was snowing, I was with my husband and all was wonderful and beautiful in Tennessee. Then we got to Memphis--no mountains, barren land and railroads---Bill's co-workers came out to the car and they totally excluded me sitting there and began telling him about a party they were having for the men that night---I was left in a pimp motel to deal with a new place and alone without my husband or sons. Tears fell. Those men totally seemed oblivious that I had come to Memphis to look at houses and wanted Bill out doing things with them the entire time---I was not happy and I really had some crying jags and I had some temper fits---I let it roll about the inconsideration---then I was invited to a party and I hated the whole deal. Well, I flew home (my first plane ride)and collected my sons since Bill was then living in Memphis. The boys got chicken pox, a school bus hit my new car and on and on. Crystal, been there and understand fully what you are feeling. I did not want to leave my grandma but we went and after settling in, I got to know people and traveling by interstate--it was over 12 hours back to our Georgia home and my grandma but we made it work. I am still not home in Georgia and my heart is still there but I love many people here in Alabama---no, Memphis will never be home probably but D and those fur babies is where your heart is and you know Vickie will be showing up. And you know those flowers can be rooted and you may find a home there to plant them and you even may get back to living in Alabama. I know how you feel and those tears are good---let them out and let your frustrations out and don't worry about how you feel---it is normal. Love you and Happy Early Birthday since I remember that you share my beloved Grandpa's.
ReplyDelete"They lifted up effortlessly into the sky and headed toward a masterfully painted horizon. Mr. Sparrow glanced back one last time. 'A fine nest it was.' Mrs. Sparrow was finally content to look ahead, her tears drying in the autumn breeze. There would be more tears. But there would also be more breezes to dry them. She looked to her right contentedly, thankful for her partner in this terrestrial flight. She then tilted her wings upward to gaze towards her Maker, resting assured of her flight's destination. No need to look back. After all, she had left nothing behind. For she had gathered feathers from her nest." ~ Beth Moore, feathers from my nest. Crystal, may you rest assured in your destination. Matthew 10:29, 31
ReplyDeleteOh wow....That is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked it. I immediately thought of it when I read your post and it seems so fitting. xoxo
ReplyDeletePerfectly fitting, I'd say! I may just repost it on my blog! I love it...Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI left everyone I loved behind in Texas when we moved here in 1992. It was difficult not knowing a soul, but we were blessed to finally have a job after 18 months. And look what we got: a great church and friends, and my two precious babies. God definitely has a plan - He sees the big picture, and it's hard for us 'cause we can only see a tiny bit. You are a strong, opinionated, Godly woman and you are going to be just fine! And it is definitely ok to cry!! (Janet)
ReplyDeleteCrystal, my heart is broken for you and I could burst into tears just reading your post. You are normal. Your emotions are normal. This is hard for you, and as a mother of adult children, I know how hard this is for your Mother, and my heart breaks for her, too. These aren't the only tears either of you will shed, but it does get easier. God does have a plan for everyone, and His plans are not to harm you, but to bring you "hope" and a future. I will be praying. It will be okay.
ReplyDeleterg